Getting Married and Domestic Troubles
Question:
I have been trying to find a website where I can ask a question about marriage and be confidential inshallah for the longest time.
I am currently in college right now with inshallah one year left and I want to get married to a girl I have known from high school. I have known her for more than 3 years now and Mashallah she is a good Muslimah, she wears hijaab, knows about Islam, I have seen how she works with people and how she acts, I know how she acts towards her family. I like her also for her beauty and her kindness towards others. I told my mom that I wanted to get married to her and she was ok with it until one of my mom’s friends told her that she was not a good person.
See the problem is that my mom’s friend’s son is wanting to get married to this girls cousin but this lady told my mom that the girl is forcing the marriage with the son and the son doesn’t want to get married. I know that he does b/c he moved closer to her and I have talked to him.s girl/c of her background. I mean if she hasn’t done anything wrong, which I know she hasn’t, my parents can not stop me if I talk to them first and explain that this is what I want to do.
It is eventually my life and this girls life inshallah and I know inshallah with the help of Allah we will be ok. My mom was totally supportive of me marrying this girl until her friend started saying this stuff about her cousin. plus this lady goes to her cousins house and says bad stuff about me and my mom and she talks to the girl i like and tells her that she is a really good girl and stuff like that. This lady is playing both sides of the field and I need advice and inshallah I need to know what dua’s to read so inshallah Allah keeps us strong and helps us in our journey. I love this girl dearly for the sake of Allah and I plan to inshallah marry her.
Please help me inshallah. I will be inshallah awaiting your positive response.
Answer:
It is difficult for an outsider like me to comment on domestic issues, without knowing the circumstances of the family and the personalities involved. However, I will attempt to shed light on some of the issues relating to your problem, Insha Allah.
If what you say in your letter is correct (and I don’t have any reason to doubt it), then there are certain guidelines and advices for your mother’s friend, your mother and yourself.
If this friend of your mother is really tale-bearing with evil intent and (in your words) “playing on both sides of the field”, then she should be informed and advised of the severe warning promised in the Qur’an and Hadith.
Allah Most High says:
“Heed not the type of despicable men ready with oaths. A slanderer, going about with calumnies.” (Surah al-Qalam, 10-11)
The blessed Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “A talebearer will not enter Paradise.” (Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim)
A talebearer (nammam) is a person who relays information to others with evil intent and the meaning of “not entering Paradise” is that a talebearer is entitled to be cast into hell, unless Allah forgives him/her or eventually after being cleansed of the sin he/she will enter Paradise.
We can see the severe warning for this evil sin. Therefore, your mother’s friend should be advised in a generous and polite manner (and with wisdom), that what she is doing is wrong, and she should leave it to your and the girl’s family to deal with the situation.
As far as your mother is concerned, it should be made clear to her that she should not believe in everything what she hears.
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:
“Allah has forbidden upon you; disobedience to parents, burying daughters alive, denying what you owe and demanding what you have no right for, and has disliked for you GOSSIP, excessive questioning and squandering wealth.” (Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim)
Gossip and roomers have unfortunately become very common in our societies. Explain to your mother that she should make her own investigation about the girl. She should inquire from other people who are related to the girl and then make her decision.
Regarding your position, firstly it should be remarked that you should not go against your mother’s wishes. She might genuinely know of something that you don’t know about. Trust her and respect her feelings.
Secondly, refrain from any type of relationship with this girl. Informal interaction with the opposite sex is not permissible in Islam, as explained in many earlier posts. Leave the situation in the hands of Allah, Perform the Salat & Du’a of Istikhara, and eventually if there is any good for you in getting married to her, Insha Allah you will.
I hope and pray that everything goes well for you
And Allah knows best
[Mufti] Muhammad ibn Adam
Darul Iftaa
Leicester , UK