Seeking Marriage Partner through Proper Channels
Question:
9 months ago I broke up a long relationship with a girl in order to start practising Islam properly. This entailed resolving not to talk to her again. However, she would ring me periodically as she was very upset at the break-up. She also started practising but she would wear the hijab and pray for a while and then stop for a while until 3 months ago she stuck to the right path and has done so ever since.
We decided to discuss marriage and having met in a halal manner we decided to get married the only problem being that we could not get married until 4 years time.
We decided that because it was so important and we didn’t want anything to go wrong we wouldn’t commit sins like talking on the phone or meeting unnecessarily in case we were punished for this.
The problem began when she was in a bad mood and she phoned me to have a go at me for a sin I had committed in the past and then she revealed that she had been bullied as a child. I told her that we couldn’t talk about it over the phone but I sounded a bit annoyed because of the sin I had done which she had brought up.
She phoned me back after this and telling me that I should have asked her about what happened to her. Again I said we couldn’t talk about it. She phoned me 2 weeks later saying she didn’t want to marry me but I didn’t ask her for a reason.
I wanted to speak to Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam but I didn’t get the opportunity to see him so I asked the girl to meet me again to discuss the marriage. She told me it was too late as she didn’t want to see me.
I’m sorry for the long question but I won’t be able to see Mufti Muhammad in the near future. I want to marry her and I feel she has made her decision in anger. Am I allowed to ask her again or must I forget it and find another suitable partner?
I’m very grateful for any assistance you can offer.
Answer:
Things that are done in the right and legitimate manner are full of blessings and Barakah, and when the injunctions of Shariah are violated, it normally brings about difficulties and problems.
What you need to first do is, stop all informal communication and interaction with this sister, and if there is a genuine need to communicate, keep it formal, brief, and don’t transgress the limits set down by Shariah.
Secondly, if you really desire to marry this girl, then carry out this procedure in the rightful manner. You must first consider her religious inclination, piety, outward and inward qualities, manners and love for Islam in general. If you are happy and content with what you see, then approach her through the medium of someone else, such as (her or your) close family member. You may discuss marriage with her, and if she is willing to get married, and both of you are happy with each other, then go ahead and get married.
However, if you don’t think that she is the right person for you (especially from an Islamic point of view), then you may look elsewhere. If you think that she has made the decision of not wanting to marry you in a hasty manner, then let things cool down and give her some time to ponder and reflect over the situation. After that, you may go ahead with the proposal of marriage.
You must explain to her that you want to conduct things in accordance with the teachings of Islam, thus this is the reason why you do not want to have any informal interaction with her. Explain to her that, you not wanting to interact with her have nothing do with her. It’s not that you dislike her; rather it is due to the injunctions of Islam. I’m sure that if she was explained in a gentle manner and with wisdom, she will understand. May Allah choose whatever is best for you in this world and the hereafter, Ameen.
And Allah knows best
[Mufti] Muhammad ibn Adam
Darul Iftaa
Leicester , UK