Not Having Feelings before Marriage
Question:
In most of our Muslim families, the girl and the suitor do not know each other for very long time and only have seen each other once or twice before marriage. Usually it is not very uncommon to proceed for marriage without having any attraction or deeper likening for each other. Nearly all of the decisions are made on the basis of mutual satisfaction rather than on the very thorough understanding of each other personality. Therefore, the couple usually does not develop these feelings deep inside their hearts for each other unless they are married and living together. Of course these clean thoughts and feelings are usually developed in their hearts from Allah (swt). I would like you to answer me for the following:
1) Is it permissible for a girl and/ guy to proceed for marriage without having those feelings although each one is satisfied and mutually agreed upon interest (the absence of any feelings is only because of lack of any encounter or relationship before marriage)? Is there any specific hadith or quranic verse in this regard?
2) if either a girl or a guy is not only satisfied but also have deep sense of attachment while the other partner is indifferent just because she does not have much background knowledge about him, in that case will it be allowed to proceed for marriage after getting her permission and explaining her that she will definitely be able to get all those feelings after nikah with more frequent chance of knowing each other?
3) Could you please specify any hadith or quranic verse allowing a girl and guy to see each other (not alone) or to have discussion on phone with pure and pious intention to get as much knowledge as one can get before getting married to avoid any future regrets.
Answer:
One of the basic objectives of marriage according to Islamic teachings is that the spouses live a chaste life and fulfil their sexual, emotional, and social needs with as much satisfaction and good as possible. This will assist both of them, Insha Allah, in refraining from unlawful activities and assist them in getting closer to Allah Most High.
In a Hadith narrated by Sayyiduna Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:
“When a servant marries, he completes half of his/her faith. They should fear Allah for the remaining half.” (Recorded by al-Bayhaqi in his Shu’ab al-Iman)
The Importance of Physical and Personal Attraction
This objective obviously cannot be achieved unless they both like each other, physically and personally. This is the reason why both the spouses have been advised to see each other before entering into the contract of marriage. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace), not only allowed this, but emphatically recommended it for those who wish to marry.
Mughira ibn Shu’ba (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that he had proposed to a woman for marriage. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) asked him if he had seen her. In replying with the negative, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said to him: “See her, as it will help create a better union between you.” (Tirmidhi, Nasai’i, Ibn Majah, Ahmad and Darami)
It becomes clear with the above, that physical attraction is very important with regards to marriage. The spouses should look at each other and be content physically before entering into the contract of marriage.
The importance of inner qualities and religion, in its most comprehensive understanding
Besides the physical aspect, it is also important that the spouses are happy with each others inner qualities and habits. The primary consideration in choosing a spouse should be their religion (deen).
In a Hadith recorded by many Hadith scholars, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:
“A woman is married for four reasons, her wealth, lineage, status and deen. Choose the one who has deen…” (Sahih al-Bukhari)
Deen, normally translated as religion, is a comprehensive word. It does not only mean praying and fasting. Rather, it relates to one’s entire conduct of life. It covers belief (aqidah), outward worship (ibadaat), good character and manners (akhlaq), good dealings with others (mu’amalaat) and turning to Allah in all affairs (suluk).
Considerations in Marriage
Therefore, these are things one needs to consider when marrying, coupled with compatibility. It is very important that the spouses are compatible to each other, as this will help in building and strengthening their relationship.
When both of them are happy and satisfied with each other with regards to the aforementioned aspects, by obtaining as much information as possible and they sought Allah’s guidance, then there is no reason why they should not enter into the blessed contract of marriage.
It should be remembered that the absence of feelings before marriage is just natural and should not prevent one from marrying if one is satisfied with all the other aspects. In fact, marriage is a means in attaining feelings and love for the other half.
Sayyiduna Ibn Abbas (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:
“There is nothing that creates more love than marriage.” (Sunan Ibn Majah)
This has been explained by scholars of understanding as referring to marriages that take place in accordance with guidance and teachings of the Beloved of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him), in both outward form and inward realities and considerations. After all, is there any way better than that of the Chosen One (peace and blessings be upon him) sent by Allah to take us from the depths of darkness and confusion into the light of guidance and contentment?
In summary, those intending to marry should obtain as much knowledge and information as possible regarding the other person, and when one is satisfied with the other person’s deen, physical appearance, and other relevant considerations, marriage should be contracted. As far as feelings and love is concerned, this will Insha Allah come with the blessed sunnah act of marriage.
And Allah Knows Best
[Mufti] Muhammad ibn Adam
Darul Iftaa
Leicester , UK