Problems with two Wives
Question:
I have been in a very complicated situation for sometime now. I was happily married for 7 years. I decided to take on another wife do to, that I was very involved with my community in Islamic matters for adults and children. I knew this woman who as well works with children and helps American women who convert to Islam. Any how due to some marital problems she was divorced with 4 children but still kept the Islamic environment for her and children. Her first husband was not fulfilling his obligation to the children after her divorce that well.
I had however discussed this matter with my first wife she knew what my intentions were to marry this second one. The first also knew that I wanted to go further in the work of deen. As the first could help with this side of people the second could take care of the American Muslims sisters. I should say that both a dear to me. I have 3 children from the first and a newborn from the second. After the marriage everything blew up the first was totally against the marriage she did try to accept but could not deal with it I should also let you know that the norm of the second ruling over the first or that the first does not get full rights did not take place here at all. The second had waived some of her rights so I could spend more time in getting the first one to understand. Even so far as to taking care of 4 children on her own groceries doc apt everything so that more time was given to the first. But there were times where I did have to go to the second ones home due to medical reasons because she was pregnant and has diabetes and heart problems. Any how the situation just got worse with the frist due to the fact some respected members of our community would go and put there two cents in everything. My first decided to defame my reputation and as well as the seconds everyone around listend and passed on judgements no one came to me to verify anything that the first was telling them about what was going on, so only one side of the story was heard.
I personally am a very private person I don’t like my life out in public, but the first played her cards very well and the whole community went in outrage, because they assumed that the first was going through mental torture. What ended up happening is that she went ahead and took matters in her own hands with the advice of some people and went to court and left her home. Now I pay child support to the children I only get to see them 12 hrs total in a month and have a protective order out on me. I have had alot of conversations with the first and she admits that all might end if I divorce the second. Also the first wanted me to get deported this is the best way. My parents have been on and off in supporting this second marriage but when it comes down to it they would like to see me divorce the second due to the conflicts, my parents think it is justified in Islam to divorce the second. Some advice me to give one divorce to the first. But both are dear to me and both are my responsibility and the children’s are the most important issue. The second has said she will support me if I choose to give one divorce to her so this way the first might calm down .
I have also tried to set up a meeting with the shiekh of our community and sit down and discuses and work this out islamically.But the first has refused, due to that she doesn’t want to drop the law. The second has also tried many of times to call and apologize to the first and ask for a chance but the first totally just refuses to any forgiveness or compromise. The first is saying that she has islamic rights to just keep the kids and no divorce for her and wants me to just leave her alone. But still according to law pay child support as well and money for her expenses. Since we still are islamically married.
Am I still responsible for her since she is livng out on her own?I want to still provide for the children in any way possible. Second do I have Islamic rights to my children to see them or does she get to make up her own visitation rights. No divorce has been done legally or islamically to the first at all she just went to court and got all of this. Thirdly what I would like to know is that is a divorced justified to any one of my wives. jazakallah.
Answer:
Your situation is indeed a matter of great concern, thus firstly, I pray that Allah Most High makes matters easy for you, and chooses for you whatever is best for you in this world and the hereafter.
Having two (or more) wives is surely not easy, given the complications and problems it can bring about, thus many scholars have advised not to marry a second time unless one is genuinely in need of marrying again.
Your responsibility now would be to treat both of your wives equally, justly and properly. Take care of both of them (and the children) to the best of your ability. If you do that, your responsibility will be fulfilled. Give your first wife allot of love and attention so that she does not in any way feel neglected. Assure her that you most definitely love her and could not consider a moment without her.
Explain to her the virtues of looking after orphan children, and a divorced woman (especially a convert) and that this could be a means of even her entering Paradise (jannah). Mention to her that your intention to marry the second wife was not because of sexual desires, rather, in order to assist and help a woman who was divorced and had no one to look after her children.
If you be good from your side, the chances are that she may well accept the idea of sharing you, Insha Allah.
As far as the financial support for your second wife is concerned, you state that she has left you and stays on her own. In such a case, when she leaves you without your consent and permission, you are not legally obliged to support her financially. It is not permissible for a wife to leave her husband’s house without his consent.
The jurists (fuqaha) have stated that, a woman who leaves her husband’s house without his permission (nashiza) will not be entitled to any financial support, for entitlement to financial support is due to remaining and restricting herself to the husband’s home. (al-Mawsili, al-Ikhtiyar li ta’lil al-Mukhtar, 2/225)
However, it would be wise to not stop supporting her financially for the time being at least. Supporting her and being generally good to her may help in rebuilding your relationship with her. On the contrary, if you stop supporting her, it may make matters worse for you, thus all of you (and more importantly your children) will have to suffer the consequences of the break-up of your marriage.
As far as your children with her are concerned, you most definitely have a right to visit them. Even in the sad event of a divorce, the parents who does not have the legal custody of the child has visitation rights, and to deprive the father or mother to visit the children will be considered unlawful (haram) and a form of oppression (zulm)-not only on the parent but also on the child.
Thus, you have a complete right to demand to visit your children, and your wife does not have a right to stop you from this.
As far as divorcing any one of the two wives is concerned, this is not something you must or must not do. Divorcing one’s wife is, in principle, permissible but it is something that is considered as a last resort.
It would be best for you at present to see how things work out. Keep both of them with treating them both equally and in a good manner. Your second wife can also make a big difference by willing to give way a little. If she is willing to relinquish some of her rights, then that may be an ideal opportunity for you to patch up the differences with your first wife.
Also, ask your second wife to be extremely kind and polite to your first wife, and eventually, Insha Allah, things may work out for you. And if unfortunately you are unable to keep both of them happy, you may be resigned to the situation of divorcing one of the two. Who you divorce, is something that only you will be able to decide.
May Allah make matters easy for you, Insha Allah, and our prayers are with you also.
And Allah knows best
[Mufti] Muhammad ibn Adam
Darul Iftaa
Leicester , UK